Your Mummy and I are very excited to meet you in September, however, there are some things you need to know. Your Dad is a major celebrity! As such, you have a certain number of responsibilities you must fulfil being the son of someone famous. Play your cards right when you’re a baby and one day we might get our own reality TV Show.
Why is Daddy famous you might be asking? That is a great question son. Aside from being the host of the ‘Y!kes my Girlfriend’s Pregnant’ comedy podcast, your Dad has been viewed over 90 million times on youtube. Playing the role I am now best known for, ‘man in bobble hat,’ I stole the limelight in One Direction’s music video ‘Night Changes.’ That is your Daddy just over Liam’s shoulder. As a versatile actor I am able to play a range of other headwear based roles, such as man in sombrero, man in baseball cap and man with no hat at all.
Son, I have also been heavily featured in some insightful, engaging and ground-breaking news stories. Below you will see me standing alongside Pineapple Studio dancer Louie Spence in the Essex Chronicle, as he ‘shows off his bread’ to the world. I don’t mean to brag son, but I got to touch that bread.
I am also the spokesperson for an entire city – the city of Chelmsford. When Chelmsford achieved city status in 2012 there was only one man ITV wanted to speak to – a true son of Chelmsford (who is actually from Leicester), Phil Drew. Below is footage of my live interview. As soon as this aired your Dad received high praise from fans all across East Anglia. One such fan said that my performance was that of a “nutter in a park.” High praise indeed, as that is exactly the angle I was going for.
1. Your name
Now you have a better understanding of how your father came to be in the public eye, I need to outline your responsibilities as the future child of a celebrity. As with all great celebrity children you must have a ridiculous name that the press can poke fun at on a regular basis. I don’t care if you don’t want a stupid name – I have a reputation to consider. If things go really well I might get invited to be on ‘Loose Women.’
You’ll be pleased to know that I have already decided upon your name – it was simple really. I took the names of four celebrity’s children and combined them to create one extra special celebrity baby name.
From this day forward you will be known as Easy Listening Sunspit Vigilante Chyld. You are permitted to shorten your name to Easy when writing birthday and Christmas cards, but must use your full name at all other times.
2. Product Endorsement
Your Dad is in huge demand to be the face of the world’s next big brands. You will therefore be required to shamelessly endorse whatever products I promote. My good friend Kanye West has already made full use of this, having got daughter North, earlier this year, to wear and endorse his new range of stab proof vests. Out of respect for Kanye, or Kanny as I call him, I will be bringing out a range of ‘Y!kes my Girlfriend’s Pregnant’ stab proof vests. You will be expected to wear said vest every day until you are a teenager.
3. An excuse to show off our wealth
Like all good celebrity parents I want you to have the very best, so you will have to get used to living a life of opulence and luxury. For starters, your nursery must be a thing of beauty. If it doesn’t contain silk curtains, chandeliers and bejewelled dressers, then we will no longer be able to call ourselves an A-list family (or be featured in OK Magazine). Mel B of Spice Girl fame has got this down to a fine art – check out the incredible nursery she created for her daughter below.
Not to be outdone I have already designed your nursery – my hopes are that it rivals the very best. No expense has been spared. It is packed with everything you need, including a themed cot, baby feeding equipment and a wide range of toys! Son, you are very welcome!
I hope that you now understand what is required of you when you are born. See you in September Easy Listening Sunspit Vigilante Chyld.
Lots of love,
Your Dad (Phil Drew)